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 Post subject: UMOR ASTROLOGIC (eng)
PostPosted: Wed Nov 30, 2005 3:28 am 
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LIFE

ARIES
“Life consists not in holding good cards but in playing those you hold well.”
“I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see.”
“Who will tell whether one happy moment of love or the joy of breathing or walking on a bright morning and smelling the fresh air, is not worth all the suffering and effort which life implies.”
“In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.”
“Why does a person even get up in the morning? You have breakfast, you floss your teeth so you'll have healthy gums in your old age, and then you get in your car and drive down I-10 and die. Life is so stupid I can't stand it.”

TAURUS
“The art of living is more like wrestling than dancing.”
“Life is a long lesson in humility.”

GEMINI
“It is not length of life, but depth of life.”
“All life is an experiment.”
“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.”
“Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.”
“Everything has been figured out, except how to live.”

CANCER
“Look, I don't want to wax philosophic, but I will say that if you're alive you've got to flap your arms and legs, you've got to jump around a lot, for life is the very opposite of death, and therefore you must at very least think noisy and colorfully, or you're not alive.”
“Any idiot can face a crisis - it's day to day living that wears you out.”
“The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it.”
“I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.”

LEO
“God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.”

VIRGO
“Fortunately analysis is not the only way to resolve inner conflicts. Life itself still remains a very effective therapist.”
“The basic fact about human existence is not that it is a tragedy, but that it is a bore. It is not so much a war as an endless standing in line.”

LIBRA
“Unbeing dead isn't being alive.”
“Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.”

SCORPIO
“You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life.”
“Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.”
“There is only one difference between a long life and a good dinner: that, in the dinner, the sweets come last.”

SAGITTARIUS
“To live is so startling it leaves little time for anything else.”
“May you live every day of your life.”
“Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.”
“When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.”

CAPRICORN
“You fall out of your mother's womb, you crawl across open country under fire, and drop into your grave.”
“But now I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.”
“My formula for living is quite simple. I get up in the morning and I go to bed at night. In between, I occupy myself as best I can.”
“Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact.”
“This life is worth living, we can say, since it is what we make it.”

AQUARIUS
“All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.”
“Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children. Life is the other way round.”
“There is no wealth but life.”
“I think I've discovered the secret of life - you just hang around until you get used to it.”

PISCES
“Life is wasted on the living.”
“When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me".”
“If A equals success, then the formula is: A = X + Y + Z, X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.”



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 Post subject: PRAYERS AROUND THE ZODIAC
PostPosted: Wed Nov 30, 2005 3:29 am 
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ARIES Dear God, please give me patience... and could you do it
right now?
TAURUS Dear God, help me accept change, but not too quick.
GEMINI Dear God! Who is God? Where is God? Why is God?
CANCER Dear God!!!
LEO Yes?
VIRGO Dear God, please make us perfect and don't mess it up like
You did the last time.
LIBRA Dear God, please help me to be decisive, but on the other
hand, what do you think is best?
SCORPIO Our Father, forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors,
even though the b*****ds don't deserve it!
SAGITTARIUS Dear Lord, if I've told you once, I've told you a million
times, help me stop exaggerating.
CAPRICORN Dear God! I'd like to ask you to help me, but I learned a
long time ago not to rely on anyone else!
AQUARIUS Dear God, I know I like change, but this chaos is ridiculous!!
PISCES Dear Lord, as long as I'm going to drink this fifth of Scotch
tonight, please use the stimulation for Thy glory.



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 Post subject: Who Was that Masked Driver?
PostPosted: Wed Nov 30, 2005 3:30 am 
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Aries: Aries will be the first on the block to get the latest and greatest new model car to show off to all the neighbours. Also the first to put it up a tree while waving at the neighbours and shouting "Look at me!"

Taurus: the newest version of whatever car they're trading in. No sense in going out on a limb to buy something unfamiliar now is there?

Gemini: two cars, of course: the family car will be any old thing to take the wife/hubby and kids out in on weekends; the other car will belong to Gemini only and be loaded with extra features to give it class --- racing stripes, rad whhheeells, cellular phone, auto windows, auto door locks, auto attenna, CD player and stereo speakers, sun roof ....

Cancer: some cute little car that looks like a toy --- beetle bug, dune buggy, Japanese compact --- a child-car that hasn't fully grown up yet. She'll have pet names for it. She'll apologise to it for taking it over rough terrain and try to coax it along with soothing words.

Leo: a convertible, of course, so that everyone can see how wonderful they look driving it and be able to recognise him/her.

Virgo: a safe car. No tinted glass, good visibility on all sides, able to withstand winters without rusting. Big enough to survive an accident.

Libra: whatever her/his mate thinks the Libra should drive.

Scorpio: whatever the opposite sex will think the Scorpio looks good driving or might want to get into. Tinted windows are in!: more can happen in the back seat that way!

Sagittarius: any old box that will get from A to B without inflicting too many casualties.

Capricorn: some big luxury car that says Cappy has arrived in life.

Aquarius: the car with an environmental and social conscience!

Pisces: "You mean I have to learn to drive? What for?"



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"...The best forecasts are not those that come true, but those that warn, teach and prepare..."
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 Post subject: Star-Crossed Bugs -- Computer Viruses
PostPosted: Wed Nov 30, 2005 3:30 am 
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WARNING -- NEW CELESTIAL COMPUTER VIRUSES DETECTED!
While the Hale-Bopp comet may not have any spaceships in its tail, it apparently has released several new celestial computer viruses into our galaxy. Initial reports indicate 12 such viruses have been detected. The following is a listing of the new viruses and their attributes:

The ARIES virus continuously creates new *.ini files, and repeatedly reboots your computer to initiate them.
The TAURUS virus automatically backs-up all files on your hard drive and prevents you from ever deleting any information or files.
The GEMINI virus opens any available communication software, logs on to the internet and uses your web-browser to search for gossip about celebrities and politicians, starting a new search every 2 minutes.
The CANCER virus fills up your hard drive with cooking recipes, home repair tips, and old Dear Abby columns, and then installs a screen-saver that flashes 1-800 numbers for various 12-step programs across your screen.
The LEO virus announces its presence with a RealAudio roar (often followed by a QuickTime clip of the MGM lion if supported by your hardware) and proceeds to delete files from your hard drive to make room for the long list of computer systems it has conquered.
The VIRGO virus continuously eliminates any files or programs you haven't used for a month and defrags your hard drive every time you exit a program.
The LIBRA virus downloads from the internet any optional features it can find for your installed software, and installs pop-ups for each new feature that describe its pros and cons and asks whether you want it installed now or later.
The SCORPIO virus lurks in the background, surreptitiously downloading x-rated binary files every time you surf the net (now you know the real reason web-browsers are so slow!).
The SAGITTARIUS virus immediately begins searching your hard drive for the one true Source code, identifying and deleting all mere object code in its path.
The CAPRICORN virus constructs and continually updates a database of all information on your hard drive searchable by file name, creation date, file size, author's name (and last known address), subject, and Library of Congress classification code.
The AQUARIUS virus deletes all old versions of any software on your hard drive, and provides new wireless remote connection capability for obtaining the latest version of each program by FTP transfer.
The PISCES virus reconfigures your hard drive(s) to eliminate any artificial boundaries such as partitions, directories and files, and instead unites all software code in one universal string.



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 Post subject: The Twelve Tickles
PostPosted: Wed Nov 30, 2005 3:31 am 
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list of reactions:

Aries would have tickled back until *you* were begging her to stop.

Taurus would just roll over and sit on you.

Gemini would have giggled and tickled back, then realized that she had forgotten what she was going to say just before the tickling started.

Cancer will just get up without saying anything, walk into her room, and slam the door. She won't come out for hours and will bring up the whole incident ten years later in the middle of a fight.

Leo would get extremely offended, and would look at you with utter incomprehension when you explained that it was only fair, since she felt free to tickle you.

Virgo will stare at you without laughing until you stop.

Libra would have enjoyed it until it messed up her outfit.

Scorpio will at first succumb to the tickling, then suddenly, through an effort of sheer willpower, regain her composure, stare you fixedly straight in the eye and say, "Stop it! now! or else!"

Sagittarius would have tickled back, then when you were in the other room, started tickling the guy sitting on her other side.
Capricorn never gets tickled because she's always working late at the office.

Aquarius would have quietly extricated herself with a small smile while trying to think of a way the entire group could have fun with the tickling.

Pisces will at first hate the tickling, then decide she liked it, because, after all, it's what the other person wants.



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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Nov 30, 2005 3:33 am 
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A . . . walks into a bar, orders everyone a round of drinks and says:

Aries: Oh those are all for me
Taurus: Make sure it's all your finest............cheapest beer
Gemini: I'm gonna grab the ass....err hands of everyone in this joint!
Cancer: I'll go drink mine in the corner and cry.
Leo: Everyone love me for being so generous
Virgo: Hmmm are those glasses clean? I don't want to complain but something smells a bit odd.
Libra: I love you allll...now i have to go to a better bar with cooler people.
Scorpio: *poisons all the drinks* The antidote is only $700 a person!
Saggitarius: You're all great I tell you, you just are kinda ugly, but plastic surgery does great things these days!
Capricorn: *notes beer in check book* Yes this fits in to my budget I suppose, make mine vodka on the rocks.
Aquarius: Oh you're all so fabulous I love you all! Lets all get naked and show off what god gave us! Especially me, LOOK AT ME
Pisces: wow you're all such groovy, the vibe in here is amazing, *injects heroin*



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 Post subject: Cat Horoscopes
PostPosted: Wed Nov 30, 2005 3:34 am 
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Aries Mar. 21 - April 19 Stubborn? You? Surely they jest. Just because you went on a hunger strike for 4 days when they introduced the "diet" kitty food is no reason to suggest that you are "stubborn".

Taurus April 20 - May 20 Now Spring is supposed to be in the air but if you are a kitty living in the Northern Hemisphere there is still stupid white stuff on the ground. If your owners really loved you they would be out there with shovels and hair dryers getting rid of that "darn" stuff.

Gemini May 21 - June 21 Have you ever tried to eat a mouse? A cat would have to be very hungry to try one of those things. A mouse is a toy - just alive. And really your owner should be pleased that you share your toys at 3:00 in the morning...in their beds.

Cancer June 22 - July 22 This month is Doggy Improvement month. What was that D.O.G thinking? Trying to eat out of your dish. You were well within your rights as a cat to introduce some manners into that beast. Claws are wonderful tools when trying to enhance the social graces of a dog.

Leo July 23 - Aug. 22 Like all good Lions before you, this month is "getting into Spring" shape month. If your figure is a little round for your liking, if your tummy rubs on he ground when you walk it may be time for a little ...exercise. Stretching does not count Leo.

Virgo Aug. 23 - Sept. 22 Virgo this month you simply must do something about your hairball problem. If your owners haven't noticed - you must take action by leaving one in appropriate places like a favourite shoe, or slipper.

Libra Sept. 23 - Oct. 23 Do you have a feeling like the cat that cried wolf and no one will take you seriously when you really are hungry? The cat that meows all the time does himself no favours. Try being a little more subtle.

Scorpio Oct. 24 - Nov. 21 Cancer is the sexiest sign in the zodiac. If you are feeling a little randy it isn't your fault, it is just who you are!!! Besides you are beautiful and the kittens will be lovely, if you haven't had that operation.

Sagittarius Nov. 22 - Dec. 21 Organization is an absolute m must in your life. Lets get you schedule in order; 6:00 wake up owner for breakfast, 7:00 bath, 7:30 nap...for the rest of the day you need your beauty rest.

Capricorn Dec. 22 - Jan. 19 Don't count on having things run smoothly at home. Ease your tension by lowering your expectations, scratch the sofa if you must but do it in the back where no one will see you.

Aquarius Jan. 20 - Feb. 18 Relationships that you are nurturing will take a turn for the better. Sleeping on your owners head is is important because that's where humans lose a lot of body heat. You wouldn't want your owner to catch cold would you?

Pisces Feb. 19 - Mar. 20 Take a second look at what you are doing. Are you the center of your owners universe? If not it may be time to adopt another house. Lonely older neighbors are great for visiting and they tend to have real cream Go make friends.



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 Post subject: Did Anyone get the Sign Plate of that Car?
PostPosted: Wed Nov 30, 2005 3:34 am 
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If cars shared our astrological personalities, this might be what they would look like:

Aries --- No power steering (goes where it wants to).
Taurus --- Texas Steer horns hood ornament on an old Caddy.
Gemini --- two front ends or two steering wheels.
Cancer --- very cushy interior, probably silver or powder blue.
Leo --- Gold plated trim, maximum ornamentation.
Virgo --- State of the art navigation system.
Libra --- asks you if you're sure you're making the right turn...
Scorpio --- Built-in machine guns and spiked hubcaps (à la Batmobile).
Sagittarius --- Anything you can cruise in.
Capricorn --- Old black Mercedes or Jeep-type.
Aquarius --- May or may not start when you turn the key.
Pisces --- Teal green, lots of room inside.



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 Post subject: All the World's a Stage
PostPosted: Wed Nov 30, 2005 3:35 am 
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The Ascendant is the Stage itself!
The Sun is the Star of the show!
The Moon is the Audience!
Mercury is the playwright and script editor!
Venus is the talent scout, but also the romantic leading lady and the supporting cast!
Mars is the choreographer and perhaps the whole chorus line!
Jupiter is the director and producer!
Saturn is the theatre critic!
Uranus is the sound & light technician, but also the publicity agent!
Neptune is the orchestra, but also the costume & set designer responsible for the illusion the show projects!
Pluto is the investor and creditor who puts up the money for a later return!



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 Post subject: Venusian Seduction Techniques
PostPosted: Wed Nov 30, 2005 3:36 am 
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Venus in Aries: Call them names. Take them for a ride on a big bike, or maybe a fighter plane. Muss up their hair. Arm wrestle them. Win a lot. Be unsubtle. Cheat ruthlessly if you have to.

Venus in Taurus: CHOCOLATE! A few beautiful things around the place don't hurt either. Look nice, smell nice, go for a walk in the woods just after the rain has stopped. Be prepared to stick this one out for the duration unless you like hurting people.

Venus in Gemini: Send them cards and letters. Be witty, funny and bright. Talk about books and plays. Take them to the ballet, especially if they have Sun in Cancer. (In which case make it Swan Lake rather than Merce Cunningham.) Ignore their other partners --- all of them!

Venus in Cancer: Cook them a meal. Better yet, let them cook *you* a meal. Act tragically in need of care and feeding. Wear lumberjack shirts and talk about how much you'd like a family.

Venus in Leo: Tell them they're the most amazing person you've ever met. (Unless they're a Virgo, in which case too much praise will make them blush. But do it anyway --- just be subtler about it.) Nibble them on the back of the neck. (Actually this works with most Venus signs...) Tell lots of stupid jokes. Send them lavishly wrapped presents *by courier* with lots of gold and roses and stuff. Praise them, praise them, praise them!

Venus in Virgo: Work hard. No, *harder*! Compliment their cooking. Ignore their nit-picks. It is possible to get Venus in Virgo to melt, but only if you have lots of earth-style patience or water-style empathy. Lots of fire and air? Don't get your hopes up...

Venus in Libra: More chocolate! A dash of style goes down a treat too. (You'll already know if you qualify.) Look nice. Sound nice. Be artistic, but in a pretty, not a messy way. Have a beautiful home. Work for the UN.

Venus in Scorpio: Read their minds. Tell them all their own deepest secrets. Tell them all yours too, especially the painful ones. Tie them up when they're not looking. Don't forget the toys ...

Venus in Sagittarius: Take them somewhere they've never been before --- like Rio, or maybe just go riding out of town. Laugh a lot. Make them laugh a lot. Be profound and meaningful as you hurtle down that New Age resort ski slope together.

Venus in Capricorn: Have rich parents. Be rich yourself. Failing which, read Lady Chatterley's Lover and take lots of notes. Have your cheek bones surgically enhanced.

Venus in Aquarius: Make it very clear that you just want to be friends before you jump on them. Ignore their other partners --- especially the weird ones. Have a long distance relationship over the Internet and make sure you never actually meet.

Venus in Pisces: Act tragic, with a sad and victimised past. (But you're living dangerously here --- they're much better at seducing and often evading, than being seduced. Then again, survivors say it can be worth it...)



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 Post subject: Born to Shop!
PostPosted: Wed Nov 30, 2005 3:36 am 
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Aries: Everything is marked "New and Improved"! Just Loves the "free sample" stands in the supermarket. Pay with whatever their latest account offers.

Taurus: Buys the same brand forever, but only the best. Decisions are made on the basis of test reports in consumer magazines. Pays cash.

Gemini: Has to buy at least two of everything and are total suckers for the impulse purchase at the checkout. Pay with cash-card or credit-card, as long as there is direct electronic link to bank. No hand-written vouchers please.

Cancer: Buys recycled and biodegradable everything that they can't grow themselves (organically, of course). Pays with old notes.

Leo: Buys the biggest of everything. This is not for economy, but so that everyone can see the purchases in the trolley. Pays with Amex gold card... what do you mean, you don't accept Amex?

Virgo: Buys only what is on the shopping list, unless it happens to be exceptionally beautiful packaging. If the label is torn, it's not good enough. Pays cash and gives exact amount; no change necessary. Uses discount vouchers.

Libra: Spends twice as much time as anyone else. Also buys two of everything, but in different brands; one might be better than the other. Hovers at the checkout trying to decide how to pay.

Scorpio: Doesn't just go shopping. They *purchase comestibles* of Champagne and caviare. Oh, and whipped cream for later. They don't pay. The account is handed to the latest lover, whose allowance covers it all.

Sagittarius: Shops while wearing a Walkman playing Beethoven and everything has a foreign, unpronouncable label. Pays with a credit card which has a picture of Bangkok on it.

Capricorn: Buys exactly what is on the list and checks every can for price and "best before" date. Will buy two if it is essential and on sale. Checks the slip before handing over the cheque. Updates stub balance on the spot and mentally calculates interest lost.

Aquarius: Shops at craft markets when she's not supplying them, or better still, running them. Just Loves that darling little creative number --- which is perfectly useless. Pays with lots of change and small notes.

Pisces: Her husband does the shopping or else they wouldn't eat.



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 Post subject: Snore Snigns
PostPosted: Wed Nov 30, 2005 3:37 am 
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Aries: Snoring so loud and forceful it actually butts into you with its intensity.

Taurus: Peacefully stubborn snoring; don't bother trying to wake them up.

Gemini: They snore until you try to tug at them to get them to stop; then they unconsciously change their mind and stop all by themselves, only to start again as soon as you roll back over.

Cancer: They can't sleep securely without a good snore and will get defensive about it if you try to deal with the fact that it's keeping you up.

Leo: They snore! They roar! And they're damned proud to hear a tape of their snoring which you made to try to evince a bit of sympathy from them. Good luck!

Virgo: Give them the tape you made for Leo; they will have it analysed and find new reasons to worry about their own nocturnal habits.

Libra: Loud yet beautiful, almost artistic snoring. You didn't think Venus could honk like that, did you?

Scorpio: Snoring that bores into your very soul, as you sit there wondering if it will ever cease long enough to let you get some shuteye.

Sagittarius: The snoring gets louder and louder, and when you wake them up they ask how much fun was it to listen, huh, huh?

Capricorn: Businesslike, rock-solid snoring. Snoring futures are traded regularly now at the NYSE; they all belong to Capricorns.

Aquarius: Your reputation as the water bearer is borne out when you drool like a faucet as you snore, making the experience of sleeping with you doubly awful. Welcome to the new age.

Pisces: Rather than give you a broad generalization, I'll tell you about my friend Cris the Pisces: he snores so loud that once, at a campsite, the other campers picked him up, bedroll and all, and carried him 150 yards away and dropped him in a meadow. He awoke, wondering where he was. Ah, the Piscean life is indeed mysterious at times.



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 Post subject: What's Your Sign?
PostPosted: Wed Nov 30, 2005 3:38 am 
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ARIES: FULL SPEED AHEAD!
TAURUS: ONE WAY
GEMINI: FOR SALE
CANCER: SAFETY FIRST
LEO: STANDING ROOM ONLY
VIRGO: NO U TURN
LIBRA: CURVES AHEAD
SCORPIO: X-RATED
SAGITTARIUS: OUT TO LUNCH
CAPRICORN: MEMBERS ONLY
AQUARIUS: OPEN FOR BUSINESS
PISCES: HOSPITAL ZONE



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 Post subject: The Inevitable Lightbulb Jokes
PostPosted: Wed Nov 30, 2005 3:42 am 
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Location: Bucuresti
Q: How many Arians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: Just the one. You want to make something of it, eh?
A2: None: Arians aren't afraid of the dark.
A3: Only one Arian, but an awful lot of light bulbs. (*smash*)

Q: How many Taureans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: One. But only if they can celebrate afterwards with a ten course meal and some great sex.
A2: None: Taureans don't like to change anything.
A3: One, but just *try* to convince them that the burnt out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

Q: How many Geminis does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: Two. Plus a portable phone, an Internet link and a copy of the "Bluffer's Guide to Changing Lightbulbs."
A2: Two (of course) but it will take all week and when they're done the light bulb will do your homework, speak French and shine any colour you want from it.
A3: Two, but the job never gets done --- they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!

Q: How many Cancerians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.
A2: Just one, and they'll use a non-disposable diaper too!
A3: None: A Cancerian would worry herself to death with the problem.

Q: How many Leos does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: Leos don't change lightbulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out.
A2: One: He holds the bulb, and the world spins around him.
A3: None: A Leo would order somebody else to change it.
A4: None: Leos are so enthusiastic they carry their own light.

Q: How many Virgos does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: Virgos don't have time to change their own lightbulbs. They're too busy changing them for everyone else.
A2: Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.
A3: Let's see: One to spot the bulb, one to record the time the bulb burned out and the date it was bought, one to decide who's fault it is the bulb burned out and ask why that brand was chosen in the first place, ten to decide to remodel the house as long as they're changing the bulb ...

Q: How many Librans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: Er, two. Or maybe one. No --- on second thoughts, make that two. Is that okay with you?
A2: Why change the bulb? Isn't it more romantic in the dark?
A3: Well gee, I don't know really. I guess it depends on the bulb and where it burned out. It might perhaps take just one if it's just an ordinary bulb, but maybe two if the person doesn't know where to find a new light bulb, or perhaps ...

Q: How many Scorpios does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: None --- they'd rather sit in the dark.
A2: So who wants to know? Why do *you* want to know? Are you a cop?
A3: That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.

Q: How many Sagittarians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: Look, ask me when I get back from India, okay?
A2: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out light bulb?
A3: A whole bunch: I can only keep them in the room long enough for them to give the bulb a quarter turn apiece.

Q: How many Capricorns does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: None. Capricorns can't afford new lightbulbs --- unless they're a legitimate business expense.
A2: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.
A3: None: Why should I bother? It's probably just going to burn out again tomorrow anyway.

Q: How many Aquarians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy so...
A2: A hundred, but they'll all be competing to be the one to change the bulb and bring light to the world.
A3: Like, why don't you just get out of my face and stop asking me to do all your work for you? I'm, like, really totally sick and tired of you asking me questions.

Q: How many Pisceans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: Lightbulb? What lightbulb?
A2: Huh? The light's out?
A3: None: only the inner light matters.



CUM SCHIMBA ZODIILE UN BEC

"- De cati Berbeci este nevoie pentru a schimba un bec?
- Nu te mai intreba, deja l-au schimbat!

- De cati Tauri este nevoie pentru a schimba un bec?
- Taurii folosesc becuri care nu trebuie schimbate.

- De cati Gemeni este nevoie pentru a schimba un bec?
- Cel putin de doi care sa scoata din functiune vechiul bec, doi care sa cumpere unul nou, doi care sa scrie o carte despre asta si inca doi care sa discute intr-un show despre bec.

- De cati Raci este nevoie pentru a schimba un bec?
- Mama lor il va schimba pentru ei. Iar daca ea nu este prin preajma atunci vor aprinde o luminare.

- De cati Lei este nevoie pentru a schimba un bec?
- De nici unul. Echipa de profesionisti pe care o au mereu in preajma il va schimba pentru ei.

- De cate Fecioare este nevoie pentru a schimba un bec?
- De obicei una este de ajuns. Oricum, va curata priza in prealabil, va citi informatiile destinate utilizatorului si garantiile becului.

- De cate Balante este nevoie pentru a schimba un bec?
- Pai, cel putin de doua pentru a cumpara becul si alte cateva pentru a cumpara accesoriile necesare pentru schimbarea becului, si poate alte cateva pentru a duce becul inapoi daca este defect.

- De cati Scorpioni este nevoie pentru a schimba un bec?
- Pentru Scorpioni becul nu se schimba. Se transforma. Doar apasa pe un buton si activeaza alt bec. Dar de ce intrebi? Esti de la o agentie de asigurari?

- De cati Sagetatori este nevoie pentru a schimba un bec?
- Sagetatorii nu schimba becuri, dar te pot invata pe tine cum sa faci acest lucru.

- De cati Capricorni este nevoie pentru a schimba un bec?
- Secretara va va raspunde mai tarziu.

- De cati Varsatori este nevoie pentru a schimba un bec?
- Varsatorii nu trebuie sa schimbe becuri. Pot inventa unele mai bune.

- De cati Pesti este nevoie pentru a schimba un bec?
- O, Doamne, nu stiu. Dar becul se va schimba singur, daca asta este dorinta Domnului."
scris de Adi Mindruta



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 Post subject: After Sex Comments by Sun Sign
PostPosted: Wed Nov 30, 2005 3:55 am 
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Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2005 10:50 pm
Posts: 56
Location: Bucuresti
Aries: "Okay, let's do it again!"
Taurus: "I'm hungry--pass the pizza."
Gemini: "Have you seen the remote?"
Cancer: "When are we getting married?"
Leo: "Wasn't I fantastic?"
Virgo: "I need to wash the sheets."
Libra: "I liked it if you liked it."
Scorpio: "Perhaps I should untie you."
Sagittarius: "Don't call me--I'll call you."
Capricorn: "Do you have a business card?"
Aquarius: "Now let's try it with our clothes off!"
Pisces: "What did you say your name was again?"



Aries-Let's do it with someone else,
Taurus-Let's eat and do it again
Gemini-Thanks, I'll meet you at the movie
Cancer-Let's tell my family,
Leo-When are you moving in?
Virgo-Now it's your turn to do the laundry
Libra-I'll do the laundry, after I sleep
Scorpio-Fix dinner, while I sleep
Sag-I have to call someone
Capricorn-Is this a long term relationship?
Aquarius-Will you be here when I get back?
Pisces-Let's do it again, really slowly, and sleep



Aries:Who are you?
Taurus:Like football?
Gemini:A threesome would be a great idea
Cancer:We will always be together
Leo:Let's place a mirror over there,i wanna know what i look like
Virgo:Shall we fix all this mess?
Libra:Music would do the deal though
Scorpio:F*** me.Now
Sagittarius:I'll call you
Capricorn:Let's keep it secret
Aquarius:Who are you? (no.2)
Pisces:It was so sweet.. <333



Aries: "Don't you dare talk back to me!"
Taurus: "If you cheat on me I'll kill you!"
Gemini: "I'm sorry am I talking to much?"
Cancer: "I'll be back. I gotta call my mother"
Leo: "Hmmm I wonder if she thinks I'm handsome"
Virgo: "Time for a nap"
Libra: "I'm gonna call my other girlfriend, I'll be back. By the way I love you"
Scorpio: "Will you marry me even if I cheat on you every day?"
Sagittarius: "I'm sorry but I don't love you"
Capricorn: "I can't wait to wake up and go to work"
Aquarius: "I'll call you later"
Pisces: "Do u still plan on calling me later?"



Aries: I am the best, aren't I
Taurus: Snot! ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Gemini: Wasn't a threesome a great idea
Cancer: Are you sure you love me??
Leo: I am wonderful! You lucky girl
Virgo: I need to take a shower
Libra: I should call my wife
Scorpio: We are just getting started
Sagittarius: That was really funny! I mean Fun
Capricorn: I won't tell if you don't tell
Aquarius: Haven't we met somewhere, before?
Pisces: I knew it was going to be great!!



Aries - Again! Again!
Taurus - (Content Silence)
Gem - Now what?
Cancer - Tell me you love me.
Leo - Who told you to stop?
Virgo - Are you gonna clean this up, or do I have to?
Libra - ((Still trying to decide which position to do it in.))
Scorpio - Told ya so.
Capricorn - I needed that.
Aquarius - Do I know you?
Pisces - Did I?



Aries - that's it???
Taurus - zzzzZZZz
Gem - Let's watch ???!
Cancer - I bet he's hungry, I should make him a sandwich.
Leo - oh yeah...he's officially pu***-whipped
Virgo - Ugh, get off my hair!
Libra - I made the right decision...no, I should have waited longer, wait...nevermind.
Scorpio - that was intense, our souls merging as one, IF HE EVER CHEATS ON ME HE'LL WISH HE WAS NEVER BORN!
Sag - that was fun! Next time we should do it somewhere exciting... like church!
Capricorn - Jeez would you shutup already, I should have been asleep 5 mins ago!
Aquarius - Am I real? What is real? Does time exist? What's his name again?
Pisces - I like candy



ARIES: One more time, this time more talking and more wrestling
TAURUS: lick me all over again like I'm chocolate, hold on let me get the Hershey's syrup
GEMINI: Next time we do it in the car, no wait the hallway ... Ummm, the beach ...
CANCER: That was hot .. do u luv me?
LEO: U licked my feet and now I know you love me forever
VIRGO: I want to smell u again
LIBRA: *dreamy-eyed thinking " ... U buy me those shoes and u can do anything to me
SCORPIO: We're not done ... get up and come into the living, bring the lube ... be quick about it
SAGITARIUS: That was hot, u wanna go jogging? or go get some ice cream?
CAPRICORN: Gotta go, I'm late for that meeeting
AQUA: That was cool, u like the B-52s?
PISCES: It the wine bottle empty? ... can u pass it me?.



Aries: where are u going??? WAHHHH! i wanna do it again....FASTER FASTER FASTER this time!
Taurus: lets try to reach heaven: have sex and try to eat lemon herb chicken at the same time.
Gemini: wait but we havent penetrated every opening possible yet! we have to try EVERYTHING!!!
Cancer: wait lemme call my mom and tell her everything that happened
Leo: groaaaaaaaaaaar! so do you like the size of my ----- of do you LOVE the size of my -----??
Virgo: oh that was so sweet. do you want me to clean your teeth out for you or wax your legs now?
Libra: im so sorry i wasn't up to the mark...do you want to make a wishlist and i can jus follow that next time?
Scorpio: shut up and do it again already.
Sagittarius: lets try this again at the pyramids in egypt while discussing the categorical imperative! that would be so COOL!
Cappy: move, i need to check the stock market--dammit i think it took a nosedive again
Aqua: lets try this with some machinery and costumes involved! or better yet, how about invent a new kind of cybersex? how about u pretend being a lab retreiver and ill pretend to be a mime? then we can try to have sex again without even touching each other! kool....or wait i have another idea...
Pisces: cool! the first time ive done it with a flesh and blood human being! before i always jus dreamt of it....


Aries – You call 5 secs fast? Damn, you need practice.. I mean what are you? A man or a snail?
Taurus - *falls asleep* I need to preserve my energy, we’ll be doing this again in a month..
Gemini – Hey what’s that smell? *change of subject* ewwwwwwww what IS that dot next to your *points at genital area* is that a mole? I THINK THAT’S A MOLE.. You should really get that checked you know *change of subject* Do you think that when dinosaurs had sex it caused an earthquake? Wait.. did dinosaurs have moles?
Cancer – Goochie Goochie Goooo *pinches other person’s cheeks*
Leo – I am the one, the greatest, the only.. *stares at his own penis for a considerable amount of time* Is that not the biggest you’ve ever seen, Gorgeous? Man I’m so amazing you know, it even amazes me sometimes..
Virgo - *glaring at the ceiling, obviously distressed :O* You know, while we were having sex I noticed THERE’S A SPIDER WEB ON THE CEILLING AHHHHHHHH
Libra - *14 yr old Libran* (they start early) Finally our wedding night, I’ve been waiting my whole life for this moment *note* it was NOT their wedding night
Scorpio – Did I ever tell you how much I love sex? I really do love sex! *opens windows – shouts SEX at the top of his/her lungs* *gets arrested for disturbing the peace .. but... has sex with the police officer on the way to the station *
Sagittarius – K baby gotta go.. There’s a flight to Tibet leaving in 30 min with my name on it, you understand but err give me a call sometime (sags always tell ppl who DON’T have their no’s to give them a call sometime) * literally runs out the door leaving pale faced shocked girl lying on the bed*
Capricorn – *glances at watch* ARGH I have to go, I have a meeting.. “ITS 4 AM” I know I have a meeting “AT 4 AM? :O” Well money wont make itself ya know..
Aquarius – So when did you decide to become a transsexual? Was it before or after you became the star in that circus’ two headed freak act?
Pisces – You’re really beautiful to me, just the way you are *pause* You know your friend, she’s really beautiful too *pause* and that girl we saw at the shop today... she was realllllly beautiful.. Oh look it’s a puppy - Love is all around –



_________________
/ Ascendent - rac / Soare - leu / Luna - fecioara /

*´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
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"...The best forecasts are not those that come true, but those that warn, teach and prepare..."
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 Post subject: HUMOUR
PostPosted: Wed Nov 30, 2005 4:00 am 
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Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2005 10:50 pm
Posts: 56
Location: Bucuresti
ARIES
“My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.”
“Humor is the affectionate communication of insight.”
“Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.”

TAURUS
“Weather forecast for tonight: dark.”
“Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.”
“You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.”
“Wit is the lowest form of humor.”

GEMINI
“A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.”
“If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.”

CANCER
“A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.”
“A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It's jolted by every pebble on the road.”
“Humor is just another defense against the universe.”
“Humor is merely tragedy standing on its head with its pants torn.”
“You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything, even poverty, you can survive it.”
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”

LEO
“I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.”
"A broken heart is a very pleasant complaint for a man in London if he has a comfortable income.

VIRGO
“In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.”
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.”
“If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?”
“Comedy has to be based on truth. You take the truth and you put a little curlicue at the end.”

LIBRA
“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.”
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”
“Humor is richly rewarding to the person who employs it. It has some value in gaining and holding attention, but it has no persuasive value at all.”
“If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide.”
“Humor is reason gone mad.”

SCORPIO
“You're only has good as your last haircut.”
“I rant, therefore I am.”

SAGITTARIUS
“I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.”
“Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.”
“I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.”
“I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.”
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
“Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritation and resentments slip away, and a sunny spirit takes their place.”
“Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.”

CAPRICORN
“I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.”
“Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth.”
“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”

AQUARIUS
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.”
“I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.”
“Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.”
“Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.”
“Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is.”

PISCES
“When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.”
“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.”
“I have a fine sense of the ridiculous, but no sense of humor.”
“When humor goes, there goes civilization.”
“The kind of humor I like is the thing that makes me laugh for five seconds and think for ten minutes.”
“One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.”
“If you could choose one characteristic that would get you through life, choose a sense of humor.”
“The satirist shoots to kill while the humorist brings his prey back alive and eventually releases him again for another chance.”



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¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
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 Post subject: How the Twelve Signs Deal with Near Death Experiences:
PostPosted: Wed Nov 30, 2005 4:02 am 
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Posts: 56
Location: Bucuresti
ARIES: "Who's in charge here? I'd like to see God right now, please. Am I dead? Gee, I never thought that could happen to me! Where can I get a crystal palace backlit with white light like that one?"

TAURUS: Leaving the body, Taurus realizes that he or she no longer has a stomach and immediately returns to the body (thud!), without seeing tunnels, light, God, etc., making Taurus skeptical for the rest of his or her life.

GEMINI: The key thing to the zodiacal twins isn't the experience itself, but how they can embellish it when telling the story (or writing about it). Since Geminis are comfortable in all worlds, except those without telephones, they usually bounce back to the body fairly rapidly-- and the mouth tends to work before the rest of the body comes back to life.

CANCER: Cancerians can live to be 125 years old, and they don't usually have near death experiences, but they can come awfully close to having a near life experience when they get brave and venture out of their house for "supplies."

LEO: "Nooooooo, I am NOT dead. I am not, I am not, I am not . . . Who are those guys in the white robes? What's that they're singing . . . ? They're off key. I can sing better than that! Where's the choir director? I need a microphone immediately. Unless it's Rolling Stone or Spin, hold my calls."

VIRGO: Working a marathon 60 hours straight, Virgo collapses and leaves the body. She moves through that delightfully clean and sparkling tunnel of light, occasionally reflecting upon possible improvements . . . but soon becomes so worried by the thought of her loved ones "managing" without her that she snaps back into the body like white lightning, sits up, and calmly pronounces herself alive, glancing at her watch.

LIBRA: Floating out of the body, then in, then out, then in, and finally out again . . . Libra sees a tunnel and a vibrant being of light at the other end. "Wow, is that Jesus? Wait a minute, maybe it's Kwan Yin. That looks like something she'd wear." Never deciding whether to go through the tunnel (after all, what's death without someone to share it with?) Libra ends up back in the body by default, hounded by a mysterious compulsion to start a dating service for discarnate souls.

SCORPIO: Since most Scorpio's have nine lives, they tend to brainstorm different ways to trigger the near death experience. Once nearly dead, most can barely get to the end of the tunnel without meeting some being with whom they have astral sex. When asked whom they prefer to greet them on the other side, 75% name a favorite vampire, and Medusa is a strong contender.

SAGITTARIUS: Sag floats out of her body and has to laugh at the stupid way she bought the farm. After somehow BREAKING the tunnel of light, she absolutely refuses to return to the body, since she's been trying to get out of it for all these years (via clumsy accidents). Because Sag is immensely curious about whether the so-called organized religious have any validity at all, this stroke of luck leads to some amaaaaaazing lessons, until, alas, the astral folks tire of her and trick her into returning to Earth for the duration.

CAPRICORN: It might take Capricorn a little while to realize he is dead because there are special rooms set up to look like executive offices for newly-dead Goats. A sharp-looking, older gentleman-ghost comes in and gives Cap an instruction manual titled HOW TO PROFIT IN THE ASTRAL MARKETPLACE, plus a "job evaluation" type assessment of Cap's achievements and mistakes over the lifetime, followed by a pink slip (meaning the body revived). Caps tend to return to their bodies quickly, unable to tolerate non-physical existence for long.

AQUARIUS: Aquarius gets to the pearly gates, sees that heaven isn't run by consensus, and opts for hell, where at least there is an appealing anarchy and rules are made to be broken. Ironically, Aquarian near-death experiences tend to be extremely traditional, i.e., God the Father, St. Peter, the celestial choir and so on (another reason to rebel and opt for hell). Once in the underworld, they bedevil the hell out of Satan and his cronies with their loud and vigorous campaigns for progressive reforms, and are quickly expelled back to the body.

PISCES: For some reason, our Piscean friends barely notice their near death experiences. Instead, during a typical day at the office, many Pisceans report seeing beings with long-suffering expressions on their faces and who patiently tell the Piscean to go back to his or her body.



_________________
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 Post subject: Re: Venusian Seduction Techniques
PostPosted: Tue Dec 06, 2005 1:46 am 
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Posts: 24
alma wrote:
Venus in Scorpio: Read their minds. Tell them all their own deepest secrets. Tell them all yours too, especially the painful ones. Tie them up when they're not looking. Don't forget the toys ...



8)


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 Post subject: Cleaning by the signs
PostPosted: Tue Jan 24, 2006 12:15 am 
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Posts: 56
Location: Bucuresti
ARIES: gets competitive over who's the speediest sweeper or whose rag is dustiest.

TAURUS: goes over the same spot a million times with the vacuum, refusing to bend down to pick up the offending crumb.

GEMINI: finishes their chores in half the time of everyone else.

CANCER: becomes preoccupied with your photo collection.

LEO: spends all day polishing down the mirrors.

VIRGO: SO doesn't need your help.

LIBRA: keeps saying "don't I look adorable in this apron?"

SCORPIO: makes the bed, fluffs the pillows and asks for volunteers to test it out with them.

SAGITTARIUS: doesn't like being stuck inside. Send them out for some fun on your riding lawnmower.

CAPRICORN: weighs the pros, cons and financial incentives and may decide to go with a better offer.

AQUARIUS: organizes your piles of junk into charity, recycle and compost.

PISCES: asks to do the windows and then keeps staring out into the yard.



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